Thursday, July 30, 2009

Day 3: a gift of friendship

1/10 of the way in to this month-long voyage. Not that I'm counting.

Today He is speaking to me about friendship.

Friendship and I have been a bit estranged throughout adulthood. I'm guessing it has something to do with maternal bonding, for after all; if it's not one thing, it's your mother. In this case, my poor mum had about all she could do to hold herself together, so I was left flying solo from an early age. I think that at core I am wary of women which means that even when telling friends all sorts of life details, I remain at a distance. The personal disclosures masquerading as intimacy.

Friendship with men is a whole other story. With the opposite sex there is always some element of conquest in the mix, whether obvious or subtle. In my case it was probably exacerbated by my father's distance and infidelity. So I don't trust men either, but it is a different sort of mistrust. Their betrayal seems like a known quantity, whereas the daggers of females are cloaked and take you by surprise.

With this as my foundation, it's no shock that friendship is problematic for me. I essentially don't trust either sex. (OK, I haven't tested transgendered individuals, but something tells me the trust level there probably wouldn't outshine the other two.)

But back to what God is doing now.

Over the past few years He's been changing all that, and building up friendships for me with both men and women.

Real friendships.

Deep friendships.

Recently He sent me a lovely, lovely woman with whom to connect, and the bond has quickly grown thicker and stronger. The friendship is blossoming almost like a romance but without the danger; it has a sweetness and certainty that I've never experienced with a woman.

And the blossoming has come at just the right time, to cover me now when I feel vulnerable.

I never even knew that I wanted this gift, and yet He chose to give it.

I'm not sure how many times I have said that His generosity astonishes me, but I must say it again. My unworthiness of it is outrageous.


I am feeling sorry for you, beloved reader, in that you are trying to keep reading what may well devolve into humdrum banality as I proceed in documenting these daily reflections. I will try to punctuate them with stuff that has a bit more zest every few days, to keep the yawns down to a dull roar.


Pranayama mama said...

from the queen of banality to you: this is not humdrum! you deserve a close, trusting, female relationship. every woman does.

Suzanne Marie DeWitt said...

But the reason you are Queen is that you make the banal entertaining! Not all of us have that gift.